When I do production on music and guided meditation recordings, I sometimes come to a decision point in the process where I need a bit of feedback. Today, I was concerned about a certain aspect of my narration, and needed some perspective on how it was coming across. So, as I generally do in those situations, I grabbed the closest person available, which usually means my wife.
I found her in the kitchen, and said, “Would you come and listen to something?”, to which she replied, “Will it take long?” It’s always good to have a willing audience.
So I sat my wife down in front of speakers and played her what I was concerned about. I didn’t tell her what my concern was exactly, so as to not bias her reaction. I asked her to tell me if anything bothered her about the piece.
Her response was to critique all the things that I was actually quite happy with, and had worked very hard on. Those, she didn’t like. As for the part I was concerned about, after asking for more specific input she said she had no opinion.
I found myself totally tweaked over this, with a whole salad of insecurity, frustration, bitterness and a few more things I’d just rather not talk about.
But this is how I get to work on humility and surrender. My ego is much too crafty to get suckered into this stuff straight on, so life uses my wife, whom I’d never suspect, as a secret agent in a kind of side maneuver. Slipped right in when I wasn’t expecting it, to zing my ego. Life gets its way, as usual, processing us, whether we like it or not. It’s nothing personal, that’s just its job.
The only question at that point is, “How fast can I let it go?” In this case, it fortunately only took a few minutes. Maybe that’s because it wasn’t such a big deal, but I’d like to think it’s because I’ve been practicing letting go. Practice is good. And as it is everywhere , here in Santa Fe meditation is good too.
Anyway, I’m over it, for now.